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Why foreplay isn't what you think it is

By Nicole Guappone. Unless you really, really like it. In , the Journal of Sex Research published a research study that asked heterosexual couples about actual and desired duration of foreplay and intercourse. Regardless of gender, the ideal length of foreplay for all participants was almost exactly the same— minutes. Sex is about so much more than genitals and orgasms. For a lot of people, their most enjoyable experiences of sexual or erotic sensations may not even include the genitals at all!

One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to broaden our ideas of pleasure and sex, especially if we experience pelvic pain. Rachael Rose , a sex and relationship coach, told us how she deals with her chronic pain and the challenges around sex that it creates.

That made it really hard to get into the mood. It may not feel like it all the time, but maybe pelvic pain can be, well… a gift? The goal of foreplay is to cultivate desire and anticipation, to get yourself thinking about those steamy scenarios in advance—sexy pre-gaming, if you will.

Something as simple as doing a chore your partner dislikes or sending your sweetie a secret smile across the table at a party can do that. So can snuggling while watching a movie or holding hands and talking about sex. These are all things that can reinforce connections and create intimacy, things that can help you ease off the sexy time breaks and start tapping on the gas.

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