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By continuing to use our site, you agree to our Private Policy and Terms of Use. Modern technology -- sex sites and hookup apps -- created "top," "bottom," and "versatile. This has resulted in the widespread misconception among queer men that everyone must fall into one category or another. It has reduced the richness of queer male sexuality into something simple. Online, I'm forced to be a top, bottom, or vers.

I'm forced to be looking now or not, interested or not, partnered or not. There's a nuanced gray area between all these that is sadly lost. When public cruising and park sex were common features of gay life the 70s, 80s , it was impossible to know if the hot guy you followed into the bushes was a top or bottom.

As a result, many men who developed their sexuality in that time were naturally versatile -- and still are this is why it's good to talk to your elders about sex. Bizarrely, in a time when gay and lesbian sexual identities have expanded into less labeled, more flexible terms -- queer, fluid, and so on -- sex roles have never been more rigid, thanks to apps. In the 70s, words like "top" and "bottom" existed, but they were synonymous with "dominant" and "submissive," and many queer folks of a certain age still use these words this way.

All this is to say that no one is a total anything. As a sex worker, I don't believe in total tops or total bottoms. Most queer men seem to grow versatile with age and experience as if at some point we realize how silly it is to stay closed off to the other side of sex. I can't tell you how many "total tops" have asked me about bottoming -- and how many "total bottoms" want to power fuck.