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I grew up in Texas and was not aware that women could have sex with other women until I was 18 years old. I assumed, based on myriad unspoken rules and experiences, that sexual gratification was only for men. My earliest crush was a boy named Caleb. The first time I saw him, he was doing some impressive physical comedy with an ironing board in our high school play.
It was the first time I had ever had feelings for a woman and expressed it physically. At the time I remember thinking it was remarkable how soft she was, how intuitive, how much she searched for me in each moment. I had never had someone try to connect with me and explore me as a human being during intimacy. I soon realized that this was common among women, who taught me to value sexual closeness in a whole new way. A U-Haul. Mandy had another trait that many women possess: She was a highly adept communicator.
She was vulnerable and open. She knew who she was and what she wanted, and was eager to share all parts of herself. We were once running in McCarren Park in Brooklyn, and before I knew it we were both crying in motion as we discussed how we felt about her last relationship for all of the track to hear and see. After Mandy and I broke up, I dated a much older man who happened to be a famous musician. It was exciting to explore a connection with a man again. I had grown up in an environment that taught me not to expect openness from men.
But in my relationship with the musician, I quickly realized that those expectations were wrong. We also did intense meditations together, in which we would carry each other through healing moments. His drive to share and listen surprised me—and forever changed my outlook on human connection and my romantic needs. I am now 33, and I consider myself pansexual. It is precisely because of my own fluidity that I am even aware of those needs.
