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The world has normalized these stories of abuse. After four years, I freed myself — but how much had I already been shaped? I had woken up early, buzzing from the adrenaline of a series of unaccustomed public appearances following the recent publication of my book.
Mindlessly, I opened Facebook and clicked on a message sent by an old friend. I am writing to you with some sad news , it read. Fred died on Wednesday. I looked ahead, to the morning light bathing me in warmth. I looked back down. Fred had died. My throat seized up. I felt the curl of a smile — the kind that happens when emotions hit really, really hard.
I felt confusion, disbelief, emptiness and an ominous weight. Was it lifting, or was it crashing down? All the while, my mind was doing math. My age plus eight: he was 44 when he died.
Then I counted back. How long had it been? I was 20 when we last saw each other. It had been 16 years. I was 14 when I met Fred. He was I had braces, a bad haircut and the confidence of a teenager who had read too much and experienced too little.