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When that happens, it is his duty -- if not necessarily his pleasure -- to report them fairly, accurately as he sees them. Whether they're so bad they're funny, so bad they're not funny, or so unfunny they're not funny, he must critique them. From bad Elvis to Deuce Bigalow, these are excerpts from reviews of some of the worst movies he's ever seen. Click on the titles for the full reviews. It's not just their measly ratings -- from zero to 1. We professional movie critics count it a banner week when only one movie involves eating, falling into or being covered by excrement or a cameo appearance by Carson Daly.

We are not prudes. We are prepared to laugh. But what these movies, including "Joe Dirt," often do not understand is that the act of being buried in crap is not in and of itself funny. I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it.

Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it. Add it all up, and what you've got here is a waste of good electricity.

I'm not talking about the electricity between the actors. I'm talking about the current to the projector. Oh, I've seen bad movies before. But they usually made me care about how bad they were.