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Posted July 12, Reviewed by Devon Frye. The truth is many of us desire more eroticism in our relationships. This desire for "more" is entirely normal; however, many people struggle with being vulnerable and letting their partner get close enough to know they have a thing about parachutes, aromatic oils, or certain members of the squash family. Having a sex life that can explore boundaries is not about techniques, candles, or lubricants.

These are the form rather than the substance of a couple's ability to step out into those frighteningly unknown waters together. The substance is actually building a relationship that's safe. Before you hurriedly check off the "safe" box and move on to bathroom candles, please slow down enough to ponder whether or not you both feel safe as opposed to knowing that you are safe.

Do you both feel respected enough in your heart that you feel safe enough to talk about what you'd like to try or even what you're thinking you might like to try? Most people don't, and this is why we often withhold our truths from one another. Building this kind of safety doesn't happen by the third date, whether you're talking about "safe words" or not.

This sense of security is a process that takes years, not months or weeks—years. This is why I define sexual intimacy as not solely about sexual intercourse, but rather about safely sharing who we are sexually with one another.