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I used to think that being kind , gentle, and agreeable was guaranteed to win me love and acceptance from others. I lived my life constantly avoiding anything that might make me look like a bad, imperfect, antagonistic, or unlikeable person. Because as every people-pleaser knows, being disliked or disapproved of feels worse than ignoring your own feelings—at least at first.

Some people were easy to please; a kind gesture or smile was all it would take. Getting their approval so effortlessly made me happier than a kid at Disney World. But with other people, it seemed the more I tried to please them, the more likely they were to treat me like an old dish rag; and the more this happened, the less I liked myself. Eventually, my efforts to please others left me feeling disrespected, violated, and disconnected—from life, from other people, and from myself.

For many years, I silently endured the ongoing, relentless invalidation of who I was based on how others treated me. When someone close to me was feeling unsatisfied, negative, or in search of someone to blame, there I was, ready to take it. But no matter how unhappy I was, I still wanted to make them feel better.

I wanted to see them happy, even at my own expense. What will become of me if I keep trying to satisfy people with an unquenchable thirst? My conception of who I needed to be in order to gain love and acceptance was slapping me in the face over and over again like a flat tire driving on uneven pavement.