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Updated May 14, Reviewed by Tyler Woods. As I approach my 40th birthday next year, I find myself bombarded with targeted ads everywhere I go online, all of them boasting about how they can make me look younger, healthier, and more beautiful.

I have reached the age when women are supposed to start hating our faces and bodies. We are meant to become preoccupied with looking trim and youthful, trading our time and money for the latest anti-aging products and procedures that will have us looking 20 again in no time. After spending a lot of time talking to women my age and older, I realize that my feelings are quite common. Entering our 40s and beyond is a time of many contradictions, it seems.

Like many women, I sometimes feel torn between the radiant and ever-growing confidence I feel as I get older and the sometimes crushing weight of insecurity that comes with my changing body, face, and skin. The urge to pluck the increasingly abundant grey hairs is strong. There is a decades-old term I only recently learned of that helps explain this strange paradox. The mask of aging represents the phenomenological experience of some women as they age, in which they cannot reconcile their inner youthful selves with their aging external bodies.

This contrast between how they feel and how they look can be disorienting and upsetting. On the inside, they feel young and vibrant. Having also gained the benefit of wisdom that life experience brings, they now feel both young and wise—a winning combination that is sure to raise self-esteem and self-image. But when they gaze in the mirror and see a woman who looks quite wise but not very young, the mismatch is difficult to accept. Their reflection of this aging woman is experienced as a betrayal of the young woman to whom their inner identity is bound.